Chapter 40

"Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"Ma, pa on screen, he just walked into the court house... what the fuck..."
I was sitting up bolt right unable to digest what I had seen.
"Well I didn't see, but hey, It's no good guessing Jon, wait until you see your folks then ask him..."
lost in my own thoughts, what Rich has said hardly registered, until I became aware of someone saying my name over and over, "Jon?" Richie and Terri had been calling my name over and over,
I looked up and saw Terri standing there, " Hello, welcome back... So are you gonna eat your meal, or do I have to feed it too you?"
for the second time I looked down at my meal, I managed a weak smile and answered, "I'll eat it, and I'll do it now boss...."
"ok, make sure you do, I will be back in half an hour and I want to see that plate clean."
I smiled, and picked up my fork and began to eat as Terri left my room.
Lifting the spaghetti and meatballs onto my fork I took the first mouthful, I was amazed at how good it tasted and how hungry I was, within minutes the plate was clean, and bemused Richie sat and watched.
"What's so funny?"
"You, the image of a scoop digger springs to mind, watching you shovel in your food." laughing he continued "Seriously man, its good to see you eat..."
Sheepishly I replied "Thanks"
After watching the news, I flicked through the channels but nothing else caught my interest, so I clicked the set to standby. relaxing my arms and dropping the control on the bed, I exhaled a large sigh.
Richie moved from the window ledge and came and sat next to me on the day chair. putting his arm on mine he asked, "You ok?, I know hearing about Manning and Doc is a shock, .... but well it had to be done man, they deserve everything that the law can throw at them, did you know that Doc was smuggling drugs too?"
"what?," for the second time I was stunned by what I heard, first the news channel and now Richie dropping another bomb.
"seriously, you didn't know?"
"How the fuck could I know?, what are you an agent or something for the CIA?"
"Bro, you are saying you never noticed the trips?, the secret packages?, fuck when your in Jovi land you sure are zoned out..."
"Whoa there?, one second, because I did not notice the shit you do, does not mean I am "Zoned out" I focus,... that's all...."
I hung my head, feeling more and more like a failure. Rich had spoke a few to many home truths tonight and it had set me to thinking and figuring I was lot to blame here.
"Jon...Jon..., JON..."
I looked up, "You ok?"
I nodded and hung my head down again.
"no, hang on here, don't do this..."
looking up I replied, "Do what?"
"Go start blaming yourself..."
"I'm not, I wasn't...."
"Oh you so are too, man I know you to well, just stop already... this aint your gig Jon...."
Richie's flow was stopped as into the room walked Dottie and my ma.
After the pleasantries of how well I was looking, Richie excused himself and took off for home.
"until tomorrow bro, and think on what I've said ok?"   But he left the elephant in the room.
I raised my hand in salute and nodded as he walked out of my room.
My ma witnessed Richie's departure and asked, " what have you to think on?"  "Oh, nothing ma, just about rehab and next stage that's all.." she lent in towards me and kissed my cheek, but eyed me suspiciously. Dottie sat in the day chair next to my bed and kissed me and sat holding my hand. "You look good baby, is it hard going?"
"Hell yeah, its like being at a boot camp.. but it's all good.." I flexed my arms, " see building my muscles.." I gave a smile too. she smiled back at me, then looking at ma, she asked, you wanna coffee ma?" she nodded, dot got up and left to get them a drink, looking back over her shoulder she asked, " you want anything babe?" I shook me head. "I'm good thanks..."
"So Johnny, what's on your mind?,"
"nothing ma, I'm fine..."
"Really, I'm not buying that, your mind is not here with us, so come on give, before Dot gets back..."
"Ma, it's nothing really, I'm fine..."
"Jon, don't try to kid a kidder, I'm your mom I know you too well... " softening her voice she sat next to me and placed her hand on my arm..."Please tell me?"
I exhaled a large sigh, and relented and asked... "What was pa doing at the court room, I saw him on the TV..."
I studied her face and watched her reaction, without a flinch she replied, " he was there to see the jury sworn in."
"They let the public in to witness that?"
"Yeah they do, your pa wants justice for what's happened to you son, don't be mad..."
"I aint mad, just stunned I'm only hearing about it all now,  how come no one told me before..."
"How could we tell you when you were semi comatose?, you think you would have understood it all?"
"Maybe, maybe not, that's something we will never know... I guess, but you could have told me after the operation? why not then?"
"my mom hung her head this time, "son, I just don't know, its not like we wanted to keep it from you, we, just wanted you strong and well enough before we told you..."
"And when would that have been ma? yuh? you guy's have always been to over protective of me, since I was a little kid... be honest, If I had not asked today, would you have ever told me?"
My ma looked at me, hurt on her face,  but when she spoke it was with a determination in her voice.
" You know Jon, when you are a parent, there are no instructions on what to do, and how best to do it. You use your gut, and go and do with whatever feels right,.....and I for one, am not going to apologise to you for looking after your well being, if you think that is being over protective then I am happy that is how you see it, from where I'm standing, it means I have been successful in my job as mom. and for the record, no, if I did not have to tell you, I wouldn't have."

"But, ma, I had a right to know, I'm a man, not a kid. can you not see that?"
Blue eyes, met blue eyes, "Jon, when you have kids of your own, ask yourself the same question, and then answer it and see." She moved off the bed and headed out of the room, going to see the Dr's no doubt, I sat there alone thinking on all she had said.

 Deep Inside my gut, I knew what my mom said was true, but I felt like they had not stopped for one second to consider how I would feel about all this when I got to hear....truth is, I did not know what I was feeling, confusion, bewilderment, hurt, betrayal, dishonesty.... and bizarrely love, love that my family and brother cared about me enough to make sure our ex manager and the one person he hired to oversee my well being was brought to trial for justice to be done.... but I could not shake the irk and anger that was inside. I was guessing but sure that Dot knew too, it was going to be a very uncomfortable conversation but one I had to have with my wife when she got back.