I sat stunned into silence by what Dot announced, well over the bombshell she dropped. blinking my eye's over and over taking it in, in total disbelief, and feeling like a complete ass I asked, "your pregnant?"
"Yeah I am, or should I say we are Jon... doesn't that seem more important than getting wound up over your pop doing the right thing and getting justice for what Doc and Manning did to you and others?, I think its called prioritising..." I loved Dot with all my heart and she had a way with her to make me see things the way they should be seen.
"I'm angry right now with you too Jon, and I'm pissed so bad.."
perplexed I asked "Why?"
"because I did not want to tell you like that, I wanted to tell you the news so we could enjoy it together, but when you get pissy, I had to do something to get you to focus..."
My mom, who was sat on the chair over the far side, had tears in her eye's, Dot moved over to her, "Hey ma, I am sorry for blurting it out like that," my ma smiled at Dot and just got up and hugged her real close, no words being spoken, but they shared a moment together as mother and daughter. I felt left out, and in many ways I was. I had to break in to their moment.
"Babe, when did you find out?"
Dot turned from my mom and looked at me, her brown eye's moist with tears she had shared with my mom,
"today, I saw Dr Gardia and she confirmed it..."
"why did you not say something before?"
"because I wanted to be sure first,"
I was so happy I could not stop smiling, I was going to be a daddy, Dottie and I were pregnant. "It's nice to see you smile, I had forgotten how gorgeous your smile is."
I took her hand, and raised it to my lips and gently kissed the back of her hand, my lips lingering over her knuckles ever so slightly and blowing warm air and some kisses to each of them too. our eye's met, and I knew no matter what we faced, we would always be together forever, Dot was a strong intelligent woman and she had no fear about losing me to the fans, and that was one of the sexiest things about her, she never needed me, and didn't need me, I guess that was why I loved her and what kept me on the straight and narrow, and now, she had given me the most wonderful gift another human can give another, she was giving me our child, our child that we had made together, the ultimate show of love as man and woman, could life get any better?. Dot was right, my exaggeration and erratic behaviour over my pop was of no importance, now I was given even more to focus on and to work hard at being released from rehab, I had my wife and unborn child waiting and needing me, starting tomorrow, I was gonna push myself harder than ever before.
Raising my eye's to the ceiling, in silent prayer I thanked god for everything....
"So are you with us?"
bringing my eye's back down I focused on Dot and my ma, "Yeah, sorry, I was just thanking god for everything, every now and then it does not hurt to say thank you, does it?"
both nodded in agreement, and Dot added, and for what your pop and Richie has done too. Yeah, they had risked a lot, again for me, jeez I really had been one stubborn stupid piece of ass. I knew tomorrow was gonna be a new day, and a fresh start for all of us, starting with the news to tell Richie and an apology for everything I had put him and my band mates through. When I saw my pop too, I was gonna tell him to remove the animity he had gotten agreed, hell if they wanted me to give evidence I would. right now I could take on the world and win, nothing could stop me the way I was feeling.
The baby news had me fired and I wanted to share the news publicly, I asked Dot, I was ready to schedule a meeting with my publicist and have it announced from the top of the empire state building, but Dot may have other idea's. trying to sound casual I asked, "So, can we make a public announcement?"
"you want the world to know?"
"Hell yeah, I do... this is just the most amazing day in my life... our lives, don't you wanna share it? "
smiling she replied," look I don't mind our friends and family knowing, but lets leave the rest of the world in the dark until we have our baby, then we can really celebrate eh, time is still young.."
No arguments, she was right, "so we can tell the guys in the band and Richie right?"
she nodded her head.
Terri came back into my room, "Well Jon, you seem in a much better mood, no more frowning, your wife is good medicine for you, that's for sure..."
I looked at Dot, she shook her head, " yeah, I've just been given the most fantastic news ever, and lets just say, starting tomorrow, well I am gonna work harder than ever to get myself outta here, any meals will all be eaten, I need to bulk my strength for what lies ahead for me..." grinning like a cat that got the cream, Terri looked at me puzzled, but smiled and nodded as she answered. "Great, make sure you keep that focus... Mike will be here in ten to get you to the showers... ok?" this time I nodded.
There was just one more thing I wanted before Terri and the guy's called visiting time to an end with my family, I asked.. "Dot, will you come lay here with me, .... on the bed, I so need to hold you right now?"
she smiled and walked over and climbed on the bed next to me, she slid her arms around my side, and laid her head on my chest, and I just wrapped my arms around her, wanting to protect her forever, she felt so good in my arms, I never wanted to let her go. My ma came over too and sat in the day chair next to us, she laid a protective hand on us both. That's how we stayed until Mike came in to take me to the showers.
Thursday, 12 June 2014
Wednesday, 11 June 2014
Chapter 41
I gave my mom the stink eye, and sat up in bed glaring at her. when Dot came back with coffee, the atmosphere was heavy. She looked at me then my mom, "ok, what's going on?"
I was definitely heading for a fight, I needed to free my mind and show them once and for all, I was not a little kid that needed wrapping in cotton wool.
"good question, I was gonna ask you the same thing?"
Dot looked at me questioning my abrupt outburst, then spoke, "what's with the stink eye and the questions Jon?"
"your asking me, like you have no idea why I'm pissed?"
"well if I'm asking you, its because I don't know"
"well, why not think?"
"whoa there, have I don't something wrong?"
Dot was frowning and trying to figure what it was she had done wrong, maybe I was being unreasonable, but I could not help myself.
"c'mon Dot think, its not like there's so many things going on that could piss me off?"
"now that's a statement that is laughable, with you, there's more things to piss you off than not, so you gonna tell me, or is my whole visit going to revolve around stupid questions and guessing games?"
This time Dot gave me the stink eye.
I was fidgeting in bed, a sure sign when I'm pissed off, if I had been fit I would have been pacing the room, but my body was not strong enough to do that yet.
"so, you know nothing about my dad and Doc McGhee and Manning, and the court house?... no?"
"Yeah, what of it?"
her nonchalant reply stoked the anger inside me further... "Don't you think I should the fuck have been told?"
"Yeah right, when you were fighting for your life, what a good decision..."
The sarcasm was apparent,
"I did not say while I was fighting for my life, but that has been over for months, I've been in rehab for four months for god sake, Dot, when the fuck were you gonna tell me?, or were you not going to like my over protective ma eh?"
This time, dot paced the room, then looked me straight in the eye and moved in close as she spoke,
"Question for you darling husband?" Her tone was menacing, and I kinda shirked back against the pillows, I knew I had gone to far...
"While you were on tour, and Doc and Manning were pumping your body full of drugs, when did you ever give a moments thought to me, at home? eh?, Ill tell you when Jon, fucking NEVER, that's why your life has been hanging by a thread, that's why me, Richie, your mom, pop have been to hell and back on this roller coaster of your rock lifestyle, and you ask a lame fucking question as to when and if I was gonna tell you about Doc and Manning? grow some balls jon., man up...oh and by the way, Our one night of passion when I stayed over here, well I'm three months pregnant..."
I was definitely heading for a fight, I needed to free my mind and show them once and for all, I was not a little kid that needed wrapping in cotton wool.
"good question, I was gonna ask you the same thing?"
Dot looked at me questioning my abrupt outburst, then spoke, "what's with the stink eye and the questions Jon?"
"your asking me, like you have no idea why I'm pissed?"
"well if I'm asking you, its because I don't know"
"well, why not think?"
"whoa there, have I don't something wrong?"
Dot was frowning and trying to figure what it was she had done wrong, maybe I was being unreasonable, but I could not help myself.
"c'mon Dot think, its not like there's so many things going on that could piss me off?"
"now that's a statement that is laughable, with you, there's more things to piss you off than not, so you gonna tell me, or is my whole visit going to revolve around stupid questions and guessing games?"
This time Dot gave me the stink eye.
I was fidgeting in bed, a sure sign when I'm pissed off, if I had been fit I would have been pacing the room, but my body was not strong enough to do that yet.
"so, you know nothing about my dad and Doc McGhee and Manning, and the court house?... no?"
"Yeah, what of it?"
her nonchalant reply stoked the anger inside me further... "Don't you think I should the fuck have been told?"
"Yeah right, when you were fighting for your life, what a good decision..."
The sarcasm was apparent,
"I did not say while I was fighting for my life, but that has been over for months, I've been in rehab for four months for god sake, Dot, when the fuck were you gonna tell me?, or were you not going to like my over protective ma eh?"
This time, dot paced the room, then looked me straight in the eye and moved in close as she spoke,
"Question for you darling husband?" Her tone was menacing, and I kinda shirked back against the pillows, I knew I had gone to far...
"While you were on tour, and Doc and Manning were pumping your body full of drugs, when did you ever give a moments thought to me, at home? eh?, Ill tell you when Jon, fucking NEVER, that's why your life has been hanging by a thread, that's why me, Richie, your mom, pop have been to hell and back on this roller coaster of your rock lifestyle, and you ask a lame fucking question as to when and if I was gonna tell you about Doc and Manning? grow some balls jon., man up...oh and by the way, Our one night of passion when I stayed over here, well I'm three months pregnant..."
Wednesday, 4 June 2014
Chapter 40
"Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"Ma, pa on screen, he just walked into the court house... what the fuck..."
I was sitting up bolt right unable to digest what I had seen.
"Well I didn't see, but hey, It's no good guessing Jon, wait until you see your folks then ask him..."
lost in my own thoughts, what Rich has said hardly registered, until I became aware of someone saying my name over and over, "Jon?" Richie and Terri had been calling my name over and over,
I looked up and saw Terri standing there, " Hello, welcome back... So are you gonna eat your meal, or do I have to feed it too you?"
for the second time I looked down at my meal, I managed a weak smile and answered, "I'll eat it, and I'll do it now boss...."
"ok, make sure you do, I will be back in half an hour and I want to see that plate clean."
I smiled, and picked up my fork and began to eat as Terri left my room.
Lifting the spaghetti and meatballs onto my fork I took the first mouthful, I was amazed at how good it tasted and how hungry I was, within minutes the plate was clean, and bemused Richie sat and watched.
"What's so funny?"
"You, the image of a scoop digger springs to mind, watching you shovel in your food." laughing he continued "Seriously man, its good to see you eat..."
Sheepishly I replied "Thanks"
After watching the news, I flicked through the channels but nothing else caught my interest, so I clicked the set to standby. relaxing my arms and dropping the control on the bed, I exhaled a large sigh.
Richie moved from the window ledge and came and sat next to me on the day chair. putting his arm on mine he asked, "You ok?, I know hearing about Manning and Doc is a shock, .... but well it had to be done man, they deserve everything that the law can throw at them, did you know that Doc was smuggling drugs too?"
"what?," for the second time I was stunned by what I heard, first the news channel and now Richie dropping another bomb.
"seriously, you didn't know?"
"How the fuck could I know?, what are you an agent or something for the CIA?"
"Bro, you are saying you never noticed the trips?, the secret packages?, fuck when your in Jovi land you sure are zoned out..."
"Whoa there?, one second, because I did not notice the shit you do, does not mean I am "Zoned out" I focus,... that's all...."
I hung my head, feeling more and more like a failure. Rich had spoke a few to many home truths tonight and it had set me to thinking and figuring I was lot to blame here.
"Jon...Jon..., JON..."
I looked up, "You ok?"
I nodded and hung my head down again.
"no, hang on here, don't do this..."
looking up I replied, "Do what?"
"Go start blaming yourself..."
"I'm not, I wasn't...."
"Oh you so are too, man I know you to well, just stop already... this aint your gig Jon...."
Richie's flow was stopped as into the room walked Dottie and my ma.
After the pleasantries of how well I was looking, Richie excused himself and took off for home.
"until tomorrow bro, and think on what I've said ok?" But he left the elephant in the room.
I raised my hand in salute and nodded as he walked out of my room.
My ma witnessed Richie's departure and asked, " what have you to think on?" "Oh, nothing ma, just about rehab and next stage that's all.." she lent in towards me and kissed my cheek, but eyed me suspiciously. Dottie sat in the day chair next to my bed and kissed me and sat holding my hand. "You look good baby, is it hard going?"
"Hell yeah, its like being at a boot camp.. but it's all good.." I flexed my arms, " see building my muscles.." I gave a smile too. she smiled back at me, then looking at ma, she asked, you wanna coffee ma?" she nodded, dot got up and left to get them a drink, looking back over her shoulder she asked, " you want anything babe?" I shook me head. "I'm good thanks..."
"So Johnny, what's on your mind?,"
"nothing ma, I'm fine..."
"Really, I'm not buying that, your mind is not here with us, so come on give, before Dot gets back..."
"Ma, it's nothing really, I'm fine..."
"Jon, don't try to kid a kidder, I'm your mom I know you too well... " softening her voice she sat next to me and placed her hand on my arm..."Please tell me?"
I exhaled a large sigh, and relented and asked... "What was pa doing at the court room, I saw him on the TV..."
I studied her face and watched her reaction, without a flinch she replied, " he was there to see the jury sworn in."
"They let the public in to witness that?"
"Yeah they do, your pa wants justice for what's happened to you son, don't be mad..."
"I aint mad, just stunned I'm only hearing about it all now, how come no one told me before..."
"How could we tell you when you were semi comatose?, you think you would have understood it all?"
"Maybe, maybe not, that's something we will never know... I guess, but you could have told me after the operation? why not then?"
"my mom hung her head this time, "son, I just don't know, its not like we wanted to keep it from you, we, just wanted you strong and well enough before we told you..."
"And when would that have been ma? yuh? you guy's have always been to over protective of me, since I was a little kid... be honest, If I had not asked today, would you have ever told me?"
My ma looked at me, hurt on her face, but when she spoke it was with a determination in her voice.
" You know Jon, when you are a parent, there are no instructions on what to do, and how best to do it. You use your gut, and go and do with whatever feels right,.....and I for one, am not going to apologise to you for looking after your well being, if you think that is being over protective then I am happy that is how you see it, from where I'm standing, it means I have been successful in my job as mom. and for the record, no, if I did not have to tell you, I wouldn't have."
"But, ma, I had a right to know, I'm a man, not a kid. can you not see that?"
Blue eyes, met blue eyes, "Jon, when you have kids of your own, ask yourself the same question, and then answer it and see." She moved off the bed and headed out of the room, going to see the Dr's no doubt, I sat there alone thinking on all she had said.
Deep Inside my gut, I knew what my mom said was true, but I felt like they had not stopped for one second to consider how I would feel about all this when I got to hear....truth is, I did not know what I was feeling, confusion, bewilderment, hurt, betrayal, dishonesty.... and bizarrely love, love that my family and brother cared about me enough to make sure our ex manager and the one person he hired to oversee my well being was brought to trial for justice to be done.... but I could not shake the irk and anger that was inside. I was guessing but sure that Dot knew too, it was going to be a very uncomfortable conversation but one I had to have with my wife when she got back.
"See what?"
"Ma, pa on screen, he just walked into the court house... what the fuck..."
I was sitting up bolt right unable to digest what I had seen.
"Well I didn't see, but hey, It's no good guessing Jon, wait until you see your folks then ask him..."
lost in my own thoughts, what Rich has said hardly registered, until I became aware of someone saying my name over and over, "Jon?" Richie and Terri had been calling my name over and over,
I looked up and saw Terri standing there, " Hello, welcome back... So are you gonna eat your meal, or do I have to feed it too you?"
for the second time I looked down at my meal, I managed a weak smile and answered, "I'll eat it, and I'll do it now boss...."
"ok, make sure you do, I will be back in half an hour and I want to see that plate clean."
I smiled, and picked up my fork and began to eat as Terri left my room.
Lifting the spaghetti and meatballs onto my fork I took the first mouthful, I was amazed at how good it tasted and how hungry I was, within minutes the plate was clean, and bemused Richie sat and watched.
"What's so funny?"
"You, the image of a scoop digger springs to mind, watching you shovel in your food." laughing he continued "Seriously man, its good to see you eat..."
Sheepishly I replied "Thanks"
After watching the news, I flicked through the channels but nothing else caught my interest, so I clicked the set to standby. relaxing my arms and dropping the control on the bed, I exhaled a large sigh.
Richie moved from the window ledge and came and sat next to me on the day chair. putting his arm on mine he asked, "You ok?, I know hearing about Manning and Doc is a shock, .... but well it had to be done man, they deserve everything that the law can throw at them, did you know that Doc was smuggling drugs too?"
"what?," for the second time I was stunned by what I heard, first the news channel and now Richie dropping another bomb.
"seriously, you didn't know?"
"How the fuck could I know?, what are you an agent or something for the CIA?"
"Bro, you are saying you never noticed the trips?, the secret packages?, fuck when your in Jovi land you sure are zoned out..."
"Whoa there?, one second, because I did not notice the shit you do, does not mean I am "Zoned out" I focus,... that's all...."
I hung my head, feeling more and more like a failure. Rich had spoke a few to many home truths tonight and it had set me to thinking and figuring I was lot to blame here.
"Jon...Jon..., JON..."
I looked up, "You ok?"
I nodded and hung my head down again.
"no, hang on here, don't do this..."
looking up I replied, "Do what?"
"Go start blaming yourself..."
"I'm not, I wasn't...."
"Oh you so are too, man I know you to well, just stop already... this aint your gig Jon...."
Richie's flow was stopped as into the room walked Dottie and my ma.
After the pleasantries of how well I was looking, Richie excused himself and took off for home.
"until tomorrow bro, and think on what I've said ok?" But he left the elephant in the room.
I raised my hand in salute and nodded as he walked out of my room.
My ma witnessed Richie's departure and asked, " what have you to think on?" "Oh, nothing ma, just about rehab and next stage that's all.." she lent in towards me and kissed my cheek, but eyed me suspiciously. Dottie sat in the day chair next to my bed and kissed me and sat holding my hand. "You look good baby, is it hard going?"
"Hell yeah, its like being at a boot camp.. but it's all good.." I flexed my arms, " see building my muscles.." I gave a smile too. she smiled back at me, then looking at ma, she asked, you wanna coffee ma?" she nodded, dot got up and left to get them a drink, looking back over her shoulder she asked, " you want anything babe?" I shook me head. "I'm good thanks..."
"So Johnny, what's on your mind?,"
"nothing ma, I'm fine..."
"Really, I'm not buying that, your mind is not here with us, so come on give, before Dot gets back..."
"Ma, it's nothing really, I'm fine..."
"Jon, don't try to kid a kidder, I'm your mom I know you too well... " softening her voice she sat next to me and placed her hand on my arm..."Please tell me?"
I exhaled a large sigh, and relented and asked... "What was pa doing at the court room, I saw him on the TV..."
I studied her face and watched her reaction, without a flinch she replied, " he was there to see the jury sworn in."
"They let the public in to witness that?"
"Yeah they do, your pa wants justice for what's happened to you son, don't be mad..."
"I aint mad, just stunned I'm only hearing about it all now, how come no one told me before..."
"How could we tell you when you were semi comatose?, you think you would have understood it all?"
"Maybe, maybe not, that's something we will never know... I guess, but you could have told me after the operation? why not then?"
"my mom hung her head this time, "son, I just don't know, its not like we wanted to keep it from you, we, just wanted you strong and well enough before we told you..."
"And when would that have been ma? yuh? you guy's have always been to over protective of me, since I was a little kid... be honest, If I had not asked today, would you have ever told me?"
My ma looked at me, hurt on her face, but when she spoke it was with a determination in her voice.
" You know Jon, when you are a parent, there are no instructions on what to do, and how best to do it. You use your gut, and go and do with whatever feels right,.....and I for one, am not going to apologise to you for looking after your well being, if you think that is being over protective then I am happy that is how you see it, from where I'm standing, it means I have been successful in my job as mom. and for the record, no, if I did not have to tell you, I wouldn't have."
"But, ma, I had a right to know, I'm a man, not a kid. can you not see that?"
Blue eyes, met blue eyes, "Jon, when you have kids of your own, ask yourself the same question, and then answer it and see." She moved off the bed and headed out of the room, going to see the Dr's no doubt, I sat there alone thinking on all she had said.
Deep Inside my gut, I knew what my mom said was true, but I felt like they had not stopped for one second to consider how I would feel about all this when I got to hear....truth is, I did not know what I was feeling, confusion, bewilderment, hurt, betrayal, dishonesty.... and bizarrely love, love that my family and brother cared about me enough to make sure our ex manager and the one person he hired to oversee my well being was brought to trial for justice to be done.... but I could not shake the irk and anger that was inside. I was guessing but sure that Dot knew too, it was going to be a very uncomfortable conversation but one I had to have with my wife when she got back.
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